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Funny Sayings

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on"
- Samuel Goldwyn.

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' "
- Charlie Brown.

"The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev."
- Robin Williams.

"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."
- Jim Carey.

"The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder."
- Alfred Hitchcock.

"When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself."
- Peter O'Toole.

"A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live."
- Bob Hope.

"Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television."
- Woody Allen.

"Television has brought back murder into the home, where it belongs."
- Alfred Hitchcock.

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
- David Letterman.

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
- John Mendosa.

"What's another word for thesaurus?"
- Steven Wright.

"This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two."
- George Burns.

"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR officers."
- Daniel J. Boorstin.

"Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me."
- G.W. Hegel.

"To write a diary every day is like returning to one's own vomit."
- Enoch Powell.

"Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet."
- Mark Twain.

"When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read."
- Hilliare Belloc.
More Funny Sayings...

"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."
- Hunter S. Thompson.

"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."
- Terry Pratchett.

Dirty/funny birthday cards are cool
- Some random dude

"Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything."
- Ivana Trump.

"In Australia, not reading poetry is the national pastime."
- Phyllis McGinley.
Peter De Vries: Motivational Funny Sayings

I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork.

Quotations on this site are the property of their respective creators and we don't claim any copyright for them. We've made efforts to use the quotes correctly, and under the guises of public domain/fair use. If you know of any funny sayings on our cards that are in breach of copyright, please email us and tell us why, then we will remove them.

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