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Funny Sayings



Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
- Dale Carnegie

There are things known and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors.
- Jim Morrison

Habit is a form of exercise.
- Elbert Hubbard

Of course, it's very easy to be witty tomorrow, after you get a chance to do some research and rehearse your ad libs.
- Joey Adams

Let's have some new cliches.
- Samuel Goldwyn

About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment.
- Josh Billings

[I work until] beer o’clock.
- Stephen King On his 9 to 5 writing day, Time: 6 Oct 86

People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy - and I keep it in a jar on my desk.
- Stephen King

There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
- Somerset Maugham

The profession of book-writing makes horse racing seem like a solid, stable business.
- John Steinbeck

The trouble with young writers is that they are all in their sixties.
- Somerset Maugham

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.
- Steve Martin

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
- Steven Wright

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.
- W.C. Fields

Some folks are wise and some otherwise.
- Josh Billings

Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.
- Jimi Hendrix

A candidate is someone who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
- Unknown

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
- Samuel Palmer

Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried.
- Mae West

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
- Marty Feldman

I believe in getting into hot water. I think it keeps you clean.
- G. K. Chesterton

Dirty/funny birthday cards are cool
- Some random dude

He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news.
- Bertolt Brecht

We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.
- Napoleon Bonaparte

You can't deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants.
- Stephen King fromHearts in Atlantis.

Laughter is higher than all pain.
- Elbert Hubbard

Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
- Victor Borge

Not by wrath does one kill, but by laughter.
- Friedrich Nietzsche

Start every day with a smile and get it over with.
- W.C. Fields

A day without laughter is a day wasted.
- Charlie Chaplin

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
- Will Rogers

He who laughs, lasts.
- Mary Pettibone Poole
More Funny Sayings...

Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.
- Bob Monkhouse

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
- Oscar Wilde

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
- Johnny Carson Mark Twain: Motivational Funny Sayings If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

The funny Sayings on this site are the property of their respective creators and we don't claim any copyright for them. We've made efforts to use the quotes correctly, and under the guises of public domain/fair use. If you know of any funny sayings on our cards that are in breach of copyright, please email us and tell us why, then we will remove them.

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