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Funny Sayings



A man doesn't know what hapiness is until he's married. By then it's too late.
- Frank Sinatra (The Joker is Wild, 1957)

Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.
- Robert Orben

One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.
- Rita Mae Brown

Happiness: a good bank account, a good cook, and a good digestion.
- Jean Jacques Rousseau

One of the universal rules of happiness is: always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
- Terry Pratchett (Jingo, 1997)

For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all.
- Ogden Nash

Big news on CNN, a search has uncovered illegal biochemical agents, toxins and other dangerous substances. Not in Iraq, in Rush Limbaugh's medicine cabinet.
- Jay Leno

Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
- Milton Berle

Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his.
- Ronald Reagan (During 1980 presidential campaign)

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
- P. J. ORourke

The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back!
- Will Rogers

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidise it.
- Ronald Reagan

The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
- George Deukmejian

Britain has invented a new missile. It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired.
- Walter Walker (quoted in Newspapers, 1981)

The weather is like the government, always in the wrong.
- Jerome K Jerome

Dirty/funny birthday cards are cool
- Some random dude

A recent conversation: Dubya: Look at the clock, time is racing! Cheney: That's the second hand, George!
- Dennis Miller
More Funny Sayings...

Hollywood's a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss, and fifty cents for your soul. I know, because I turned down the first offer often enough and held out for the fifty cents.
- Marilyn Monroe

Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood.
- Groucho Marx

Half the people in Hollywood are dying to be discovered and the other half are afraid they will be.
- Lionel Barrymore

There are only three ages for women in Hollywood - Babe, District Attorney, and Driving Miss Daisy.
- Goldie Hawn (First Wives Club, 1996, Olivia Goldsmith, Robert Harling)

The only 'ism' Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.
- Dorothy Parker

He reminded me a little of Walt Disney's version of a mad scientist.
- Steven Spielberg (on Star Wars Director George Lucas)

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'.
- Chris Rock

Nobody believes the official spokesman, but everybody trusts an unidentified source.
- Ron Nesen

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
- Noel Coward

All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others.
- George Orwell

Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control are already born?
- Benny Hill

The less people know about how sausages and laws are made, the better they'll sleep at night.
- Otto von Bismarck

A person will sometimes devote all his life to the development of one part of his body - the wishbone.
- Robert Frost

A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy.
- Jerry Seinfield

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
- Soren Aabye Kierkegaard

Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them.
- Abraham Lincoln

As you know, we're studying safe levels for arsenic in drinking water to base our decision on sound science, the scientists told us we need to test the water glasses of about 3,000 people. Thank you for participating.

"Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?" Let us analyze that sentence for a moment. If you're a stickler, you probably think the singular verb "is" should have been the plural "are," but if you read it closely, you'll see I'm using the intransitive plural subjunctive tense. So the word "is" are correct.

In my sentences I go where no man has gone before...I am a boon to the English language.
- George W. Bush Unknown Author: Motivational Funny Sayings If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.

The funny Sayings on this site are the property of their respective creators and we don't claim any copyright for them. We've made efforts to use the quotes correctly, and under the guises of public domain/fair use. If you know of any funny sayings on our cards that are in breach of copyright, please email us and tell us why, then we will remove them.

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