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Funny Sayings



Men will confess to treason, murder, arson, false teeth, or a wig. How many of them will own up to a lack of humor?
- Frank Moore Colby (The Colby Essays)

Humor is just another defense against the universe.
- Mel Brooks

When humor goes, there goes civilization.
- Erma Bombeck

Good taste and humour...are a contradiction in terms, like a chaste whore.
- Malcolm Muggeridge

What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
- Anonymous

A pun is the lowest form of humor - when you don't think of it first.
- Oscar Levant

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
- Will Rogers

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. Carl Gustav Jung

It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them.
- Alfred Adler

Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
- Brendan Gill

Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.
- Benny Hill

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein

Of the delights of this world, man cares most for sexual intercouse, yet he has left it out of his heaven.
- Mark Twain

As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take the course he will. He will be sure to repent.
- Socrates

A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
- Helen Rowland

A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
- Don Quinn

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
- Oscar Wilde

My advice to you is to get married. If you find a good wife, you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
- Lao Tsu

Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting.
- Billy Rose
More Funny Sayings...

A rich man's joke is always funny.
- Proverb

Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.
- Cordel Hull

Dirty/funny birthday cards are cool
- Some random dude

When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
- Dylan Thomas

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
- Winston Churchill

Though I am not naturally honest, I am so sometimes by chance.
- William Shakespeare

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde

There are three faithful friends—an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.
- Benjamin Franklin

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
- Oscar Wilde

I can resist everything except temptation.
- Oscar Wilde

To cease smoking is the easiest thing. I ought to know. I've done it a thousand times.
- Mark Twain

A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
- Arthur Block

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
- Albert Einstein

Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next.
- Franklin P. Jones

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
- Richard Harkness

Youth is a malady of which one becomes cured a little every day.
- Benito Mussolini

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
- Franklin P. Jones Jim Eason.: Motivational Funny Sayings If you want to look young and thin, hang around old fat people. Anonymous: Motivational Funny Sayings If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings including this one.

The funny sayings on this site are the property of their respective creators and we don't claim any copyright for them. We've made efforts to use the quotes correctly, and under the guises of public domain/fair use. If you know of any funny sayings on our cards that are in breach of copyright, please email us and tell us why, then we will remove them.

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