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Funny Sayings



All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
- Jane Wagner

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
- A. Whitney Brown

Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you recognise a mistake when you make it again.
- F. P. Jones

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
- Erica Jong

The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations.
- David Friedman

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
- Lily Tomlin

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
- W. C. Fields

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I found it!) but 'That's funny ...'
- Isaac Asimov
More Funny Sayings...

"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle."
- Bob Hope

"A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah."
- Ronald Reagan

"Commit the oldest sins, the newest kind of ways."
- William Shakespeare

"I've had a wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx

"I never think of the future, it comes soon enough."
- Albert Einstein

"I've been on a calendar, but I've never been on time."
- Marilyn Munroe

"Those of you in the cheaper seats clap your hands, those of you in the more expensive ones rattle your jewelry."
- John Lennon

"Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun."
- Mao Tse Tung

"Husbands are like fires they go out when unattended."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

"I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to."
- Elvis Presley

"My one regret in life is that I'm not somebody else."
- Woody Allen

"Always forgive your enemies, but never forget their names."
- R. Kennedy

"She looks like she combs her hair with an egg beater."
- Hedda Hopper

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
- Dean Martin

"You're not a real manager unless you've been sacked."
- Malcolm Allison

Dirty/funny birthday cards are cool
- Some random dude

"When you are down and out, something always turns up, usually the noses of your friends."
- Orson Welles

"Anybody who sees and paints a sky green and pastures blue ought to be sterilized."
- Adolf Hitler

"I am an optimist. But I'm an optimist who takes his raincoat."
- Harold Wilson

"The only place where success comes before work is in a dictionary."
- Vidal Sassoon

"I'm not against half naked girls. Not as often as I'd like to be..."
- Benny Hill Henry Link: Motivational Funny Sayings If you wish to make a man your enemy, tell him simply, "You are wrong." This method works every time.

The Funny Sayings on this site are the property of their respective creators and we don't claim any copyright for them. We've made efforts to use the quotes correctly, and under the guises of public domain/fair use. If you know of any funny sayings on our cards that are in breach of copyright, please email us and tell us why, then we will remove them.

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