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Funny Sayings



"Being a celebrity is probably the closest to being a beautiful woman as you can get."
- Kevin Costner

"We talk all the time. I think we understand each other in a way that most people can't understand either of us."
- Macaulay Culkin (on his relationship with Michael Jackson)

"Everyody stands. That's our policy. If Jesus Christ comes on the show, guess what? It's like, 'Stand right here Jesus, we got Papa Roach coming up at number six."
- Carson Daly

"I have to remind my dad, 'Journalists, no matter how many cigars they smoke with you - are not your friends, so don't talk to them."
- Cameron Diaz

"Because young men are so goddamn disappointing!" [on why women like older leading men]
- Harrison Ford

"I could take Sean Connery in a fight... I could definitely take him."
- Harrison Ford

"We don't have a host and it's hard to vote yourself off the island when you're the only one on it." [comparing Cast Away to Survivor]
- Tom Hanks

"When I first came to Hollywood I was told to go out with an agent because it was good for my career. So I went to a party with him because it was good for my 'career.' Well, he thought the whole thing was a big date. Needless to say, I was very upset."
- Salma Hayek

"A bit of lusting after someone does wonders for the skin."
- Elizabeth Hurley

"I've always wanted to be a spy, and frankly i'm a little surprised that British intelligence has never approached me."
- Elizabeth Hurley

"Boredom is a great motivator."
- Uma Thurman

"I cried on my 18th birthday. I thought 17 was such a nice age. You're young enough to get away with things, but you're old enough, too."
- Liv Tyler

"I want to rip out his heart and feed it to him. I want to kill people. I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their children." [on Lennox Lewis]
- Mike Tyson

"I wasn't the cutest or the most talented, but I could get through the question-and-answer period." [on beauty pageants]
- Oprah Winfrey

"I was like, 'I want that one!'" [on boyfriend Nick Lachey of 98 Degrees ]
- Jessica Simpson

"Good judgement comes from experience. Sometimes, experience comes from bad judgement."
- Christian Slater

"I don't have a boyfriend right now. I'm looking for anyone with a job that I don't have to support."
- Anna Nicole Smith

"Success is like death. The more successful you become, the higher the houses in the hills get and the higer the fences get."
- Kevin Spacey

"Marry Prince William? I would love that. After all, who wouldn't want to be a princess?"
- Britney Spears

"I want a sandwich named after me."
- Jon Stewart

"Sometimes I don't feel like the person that I'm supposed to be. I don't feel like I deserve any of this."
- Mena Suvari

"I really lived life to its fullest and that got me in trouble from time to time."
- Matthew Perry

"Being married means I can [break wind] and eat ice cream in bed."
- Brad Pitt

Dirty/funny birthday cards are cool
- Some random dude

"Everything I buy is vintage and smells funny. Maybe that's why I don't have a boyfriend."
- Lucy Liu

"I identify with women more than men. I guess I have a strong feminine side."
- Lenny Kravitz

"I'm just like anyone. I cut and I bleed. And I embarass easily."
- Michael Jackson

"My whole goal is to keep my spirit intact. If that doesn't happen, none of this is worth it."
- Jewel

"I am so in love with my brother right now!"
- Angelina Jolie

"I was always told I was special. And I was also assured that I had a gift and a purpose."
- Ashley Judd

"Only a genius can play a fool."
- Michael Rapaport

"Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special."
- Chris Rock
More Funny Sayings...

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth. -George Burns

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it. -George Burns

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. -George Burns


The Funny Sayings on this site are the property of their respective creators and we don't claim any copyright for them. We've made efforts to use the quotes correctly, and under the guises of public domain/fair use. If you know of any funny sayings on our cards that are in breach of copyright, please email us and tell us why, then we will remove them.

Robert Collier: Luck Quotes All of us have bad luck and good luck. The man who persists through the bad luck - who keeps right on going - is the man who is there when the good luck comes - and is ready to receive it. Roy D. Chapin Jr.: Luck Quotes Be ready when opportunity comes...Luck is the time when preparation and opportunity meet.

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