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Funny Sayings

If people screw me, I screw back in spades.
- Donald Trump

You have to be a bastard to make it, and that's a fact. And the Beatles are the biggest bastards on earth.
-John Lennon

Feminism is just a way for ugly women to get into the mainstream of America.
- Rush Limbaugh

I love New York City; I've got a gun.
- Charles Barkley

I dress for women, and undress for men.
- Angie Dickinson

If I die before my cat, I want a little of my ashes put in his food so I can live inside him.
- Drew Barrymore (1998)

When I walk into a bookstore, I want to see my picture on the cover of every magazine, like Leonardo DiCaprio.
- Brandy

I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

It's funny the way most people love the dead. Once you are dead, you are made for life.
- Jimi Hendrix, Rolling Stone, December 2, 1976.

With all due respect to the world's great drummers - it ain't brain surgery.
- Mickey Dolenz, 1996

Our bodies are just temporary vessels for our souls, which will go on forever. You really are an extension of the power that created the whole universe, no matter what drags you have on.
- Ru Paul

If I hadn't been a woman, I'd have been a drag queen.
- Dolly Parton

How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

I wanted to perform, I wanted to write songs, and I wanted to get lots of chicks.
- hJames Taylor, when asked why he got into music

The biggest misconception people have about me is that I'm stupid.
- Billy Idol

Comparing Madonna with Marilyn Monroe is like comparing Rachel Welch to the back of a bus. .
- Boy George

People used to throw rocks at me because of my clothes. Now they wanna know where I buy them.
- Cyndi Lauper

The whole business is built on ego, vanity, self-satisfaction, and it's total crap to pretend it's not..
- George Michael

I don't listen to music. I hate all music.
- Johnny Rotten (Sex Pistols)

Boy George makes me sick. .
- Madonna
More Funny Sayings...

Anybody that walks can sing..
- Michael Stipe (REM)

Oh no, no regrets at all. My mom even says it now. It took her about ten years, but I've heard her say it two or three times now. .
- Paul Leary (Butthole Surfers)

I try not to repeat myself. It's the hardest thing in the world to do - there are only so many notes one human being can master. .
- Prince

I do my best work when I'm in pain and turmoil.
- Sting

A rock 'n' roll band needs to be able to get under people's skin. You should be able to clear the room at the drop of a hat. .
- Paul Westerberg (The Replacements) (on the use of umlauts over the O and U of Motley Crue)

We didn't think about its proper use. We just wanted something to be weird, and the umlaut is very visual. It's German and strong, and that Nazi Germany mentality - "the future belongs to us" - intrigued me. .
- Nikki Sixx

Dirty/funny birthday cards are cool
- Some random dude

"My audience loves to see Britney get her head cut off.".
- Alice Cooper

"My audience loves to see Britney get her head cut off.".
- Alice Cooper

A dream is like a river ever changing as it flows, and a dreamer's just a vessel that must follow where it goes.
- Garth Brooks, The River

A man, like clay, is molded by his surroundings, he starts to take shape of the beatings and the pounding.
- Biohazard, Urban Discipline

And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.
- The Beatles, The End

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.
- Semisonic, Closing Time

Fear is the lock and laughter the key to your heart.
- Crosby, Stills, and Nash, Suite: Judy Blue Eyes

For what is a man, what has he got? If not himself, then he has naught. To say the things he truly feels, and not the words of one who kneels.
- Paul Anka; Frank Sinatra; Elvis Presley, My Way

"What about things like bullets?"
- Herb Kimmel, Behavioralist, Professor of Psychology, upon hearing the above quote (1981) ----------------------------------------

"How can I lose to such an idiot?"
- A shout from chessmaster Aaron Nimzovich (1886-1935)

"Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday."
- Woody Allen (1935-)

"I don't feel good."
- The last words of Luther Burbank (1849-1926)

"Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure."
- Ross MacDonald (1915-1983)

"Men have become the tools of their tools."
- Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."
- Mark Twain (1835-1910)

"It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant."
- Richard J. Ferris, president of United Airlines

"I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television."
- Gore Vidal

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying."
- Woody Allen (1935-)

"Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives."
- Abba Eban (1915-2002)

"To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me."
- Charles William Stubbs

"Sanity is a madness put to good uses."
- George Santayana (1863-1952)

"Imitation is the sincerest form of television."
- Fred Allen (1894-1956)

"Always do right - this will gratify some and astonish the rest."
- Mark Twain (1835-1910)

"In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take."
- Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965)

"Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research."
- Wilson Mizner (1876-1933)

"Why don't you write books people can read?"
- Nora Joyce to her husband James (1882-1941)

"Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers."
- T. S. Eliot (1888-1965)

"Criticism is prejudice made plausible."
- Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)

"It is better to be quotable than to be honest."
- Tom Stoppard

"Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting."
- Karl Wallenda

"Opportunities multiply as they are seized."
- Sun Tzu

"A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar."
- Lao-Tzu (570?-490? BC)

" The best way to predict the future is to invent it."
- Alan Kay

"Never mistake motion for action."
- Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961)

"Hell is paved with good samaritans."
- William M. Holden

"The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time."
- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

"Silence is argument carried out by other means."
- Ernesto"Che"Guevara (1928-1967)

"Well done is better than well said."
- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

"The average person thinks he isn't."
- Father Larry Lorenzoni

"Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd."
- William Congreve (1670-1729)

"A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted."
- Helen Rowland (1876-1950)

"Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century."
- Lewis Perelman

"Dogma is the sacrifice of wisdom to consistency."
- Lewis Perelman

"Sometimes it is not enough to our best; we must do what is required."
- Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

"The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready."
- Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

"There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal."
- Sigfried Hulzer

"Ask her to wait a moment. I am almost done."
- Carl Friedrich Gauss (1777-1855), while working, when informed that his wife is dying

"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."
- Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
- Thomas Watson (1874-1956), Chairman of IBM, 1943

"I think it would be a good idea."
- Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948), when asked what he thought of Western civilization

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."
- Edmund Burke (1729-1797)

"I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!"
- Will Rogers (1879-1935)

"If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?" "
- Will Rogers (1879-1935)

"The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy."
- Von Clausewitz (1780-1831)

"Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity."
- Irving Kristol

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible."
- A Yale University management professor in response to student Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
- H. M. Warner (1881-1958), founder of Warner Brothers, in 1927

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899 "Den

ial ain't just a river in Egypt."
- Mark Twain (1835-1910)

"A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood."
- General George S. Patton (1885-1945)

"After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one."
- Cato the Elder (234-149 BC, AKA Marcus Porcius Cato)

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

"Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something."
- last words of Pancho Villa (1877-1923)

"The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins."
- Oliver Wendell Holmes (1841-1935)

"The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense."
- Tom Clancy

"It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog."
- Mark Twain (1835-1910)

"It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both."
- Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527), "The Prince"

"Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame."
- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

"The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep."
- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
- Yogi Berra

"There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole."
- Bill Wulf

"There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher."
- Flannery O'Connor (1925-1964)

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

"I criticize by creation - not by finding fault."
- Cicero (106-43 B.C.)

"Love is friendship set on fire."
- Jeremy Taylor
More Funny Sayings...

"God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time."
- Robin Williams, commenting on the Clinton/Lewinsky affair

"My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate."
- Unibomber Theodore Kaczynski, when asked in court what his current profession was

"Woman was God's second mistake."
- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

"This isn't right, this isn't even wrong."
- Wolfgang Pauli (1900-1958), upon reading a young physicist's paper

"For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing."
- Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)

"Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy."
- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

"Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats."
- Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)

"Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies."
- Voltaire (1694-1778) on his deathbed in response to a priest asking that he renounce Satan.

"Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run."
- Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936)

"He would make a lovely corpse."
- Charles Dickens (1812-1870)

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb

"I worship the quicksand he walks in."
- Art Buchwald

"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
- Mark Twain (1835-1910)

"A poem is never finished, only abandoned."
- Paul Valery (1871-1945)

"We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction."
- General Douglas MacArthur (1880-1964)

"If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?"
- Seymour Cray (1925-1996), father of supercomputing

"#3 pencils and quadrille pads."
- Seymoure Cray (1925-1996) when asked what CAD tools he used to design the Cray I supercomputer; he also recommended using the back side of the pages so that the grid lines were not so dominant.

"Interesting - I use a Mac to help me design the next Cray."
- Seymoure Cray (1925-1996) when he was told that Apple Inc. had recently bought a Cray supercomputer to help them design the next Mac.

"Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis."
- Pierre Laplace (1749-1827), to Napoleon on why his works on celestial mechanics make no mention of God.

"I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need."
- Francois-Auguste Rodin (1840-1917), when asked how he managed to make his remarkable statues

"The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them."
- Mark Twain (1835-1910)

"The truth is more important than the facts."
- Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

"Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing."
- Wernher Von Braun (1912-1977)

"There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it."
- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

Copyright Notice: the quotations collection on this Web page is copyright 1994-2004 by Professor Gabriel Robins. Permission is hereby granted to anyone to make copies of this Web page, either in part or in its entirety, including using any part of the collection above in published works, as long as: (1) Professor Gabriel Robins is properly cited/credited as the creator of this quotations collection, including a Web link to this quotes Web page (http://www.cs.virginia.edu/~robins/quotes.html), and (2) this copyright notice is included in all copies made of this collection, be it electronic, written, or any other format.

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Why do psychics have to ask for your name?

If a cow laughs hard, does milk come out its nose?

If the #2 pencil is so popular why is it still #2?

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing in the store is free yet?

The "Psychic Friends Network" went out of business... didn't they see it coming?

Is it possible for someone to become addicted to therapy? And If so, how would you treat them?

Why do we drive on the parkway and park in the driveway?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk? Why is the word abbreviation so long?

Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

If you are dialing from a touch-tone phone, Why do you call it 'dialing'? -Ziggy*


More Funny Sayings...

Never forget a friend, especially those that owe you-Chinese Proverb

In Order to get the handsome prince, you have to kiss a lot of toads.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.

Suburbs are areas where they cut down trees and then name the streets after them.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

It may be your sole purpose in life to serve as a warning to others.

Strangers have the best candy.

Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes. -Jack Handy

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

My husband and I divorced over religious reasons. He thought he was G-d and I didn't!

Earth is the insane Asylum for the universe.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I almost had a psychic boyfriend, but he left me before we met!

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back!

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn't look too good either.

When the blind leadeth the blind, get out of the way.

Keep smiling
- it makes everyone wonder what you're up to.

Never drink water
- if it can rust iron, imagine what it can do to your stomach.

There's always a light at the end of the tunnel...just hope it's NOT a train!

I'm not littering... I'm donating to the earth.

If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.

If you dont like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!

Chaos, panic, pandemonium
- my work here is done.

DEAR IRS, Please cancel my subscription.

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they annoyed me

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defence.

Buy one for the price of two and get the second one free!

Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

If the left side of your brain controls the right side of your body, then only left handed people are in their right mind.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

If you blow in a dog's face-he'll get mad at you, but take him for a ride in the car
- the first thing he does is stick his head out of the window!

Man is a peculiar creature. He spends a fortune making his home insect-proof and air-conditioned, and then eats in the yard.

Only in America do we have drive up ATM's with braile on them.

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is 'uncopyrightable'!

The only ones who aren't grateful on Thanksgiving are turkeys.

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.

Education is what you get from reading the small print. Experience is what you get from not reading it.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is. It's always room-temperature.

money may not buy happiness, but it sure makes misery much easier to live with.

Anyone who says 'Easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried it.

ALWAYS LATE but worth the wait

I'd have a photographic memory but it was never developed

I'm actually quite pleasant until I'm awake

If you're too open-minded your brains will fall out.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

If con is the opposite of pro, what's the opposite of progress?

The difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I couldn't care less.

He's not dead... he's electroencephalographically challenged.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers -Joseph Blosephina

I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn?t explain away afterwards.*

It?s funny
- the ppl. who want quiet are always the loudest getting everyone else to shut up.*

Imagine how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.*

Whoever said money can?t buy happiness doesn?t know where to shop.*

Lights on, door open, nobody at home

As confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar.

He's as bent as a butchers hook



The Funny Sayings on this site are the property of their respective creators and we don't claim any copyright for them. We've made efforts to use the quotes correctly, and under the guises of public domain/fair use. If you know of any funny sayings on our cards that are in breach of copyright, please email us and tell us why, then we will remove them.

Og Mandino: Luck Quotes Each misfortune you encounter will carry in it the seed of tomorrow's good luck. Kelley Vicstrom: Luck Quotes Each of my days are miracles. I won't waste my day; I won't throw away miracle. Nancy Gibbs: Luck Quotes For the truly faithful, no miracle is necessary.

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